RESPECT TIME OR ALLOW TIME DISRESPECT YOU

I met a man who was 43 at the time. Single, no kids had worked for years but with very little savings to show for it meanwhile his accommodation and numerous other bills were being paid for by the establishment he worked for, and yet he had no demanding financial responsibilities, investments or structural achievements to his name. Let us not forget “43” here…

He spent a lot of time at work…closed at 7pm everyday and frequently spent nights there. It got me curious because I understood his job description, his position and ranking at work, so to me, his seeming preoccupation with work matters was quite unnecessary. He even told me at one point that it wasn’t compulsory that staff stay till 7pm. The official closing hour was 4pm. Get where I’m going with this?

One weekend I discovered he was at the office all day, so I decided to pay him a visit. He was reading a book! Just imagine!!! Reading a book! I asked myself; couldn’t he have done this at home? He lived with a ‘ghost’ housemate for Christ’s sake!!! So he practically had all the privacy he needed most of the time. And besides, there were a hundred better places to go read a book than the office.

This was when I started to ask myself some questions. Was it the house that troubled him? Or did possible loneliness at home make him think? Anyway, two months down the line I realised he desperately wanted all the things he didn’t have – a family, to build a lovely house for them too, to become a billionaire, etc. I gradually began to understand that Ferdinand regretted having not gotten all these long ago. He was in denial, but I knew better. You can’t hide the transparent nature of ‘raw desire’. But…what was wrong? Because I knew he graduated from the university early and had gotten a promising job at 21. In other words, he started life early. I came to the conclusion that Ferdi here, had just been drifting through life.

Bear with me for sounding like a broken record but, “there is time for everything”. I must say this, my friends. The popular quality about time which we frequently remind ourselves of is that “time waits for no one”. The funny thing about this is, we are aware that time continues regardless of our ability or inability to keep up with it.

 A number of us don’t realize that time surrounds everything and plays a role in every aspect of life. Some of us make the mistake of living life as though it were independent of time. We peg activities to time frames, forgetting that in fact, the processes of such activities and their completion exist in time.

Time is what makes a ‘beginning’ feasible and it is time that gives course an ‘ending’. Time doesn’t just mark the start and finish of processes, stages, phases and activities. It also guides the completion of projects, accomplishment of tasks, viability of events and measurement of performances. It positions occurrences as well as awards priority to circumstances, events and people. Time gives scope to incidents and it gives birth to memories.   

A lot of people see time as a third generation cousin or a distant relative who sees us occasionally from afar. We overlook the fact that time can be a governing/guiding season as well as a periodic task oriented time keeper; ensuring we get the little things done that come together to form the bigger picture of destiny / future.

We think of time only as a reminder of the clock ticking and we don’t realise that even time rules the clock. While we use the short (hour) and the long (minute) hands of the clock to attach value to our dealings and border our plans and goals, we must remember that ‘age’ is time in itself: The king of all time.

It is not too much to say that you must put a start and end date to whatever plans you have. This makes your plans sizable and therefore, easier to achieve. Value of personality decreases if one has aged beyond a period for which it is expected he ought to have achieved a certain number of things. Do things at the appropriate time. Age is a good indicator of proper time…even though there are cases where people achieve greatness earlier than generally expected in life.

The youngster is known for his capacity to learn quickly and impeccable memory. But as you would guess, such sound memory and energy diminishes as he grows old. The same applies to all in all areas of life. Discover yourself early in life. Define what your goals and ambitions are early and put in effort to make sure your decisions and actions throughout take you closer to the realisation of those (long term or short term) goals and ambitions. Commit to your education from the start and graduate at once, marry when you ought to (should this be what you want); bear kids when you ought to and so on.

Work hard when it is most important, and play harder when it is called for. Have fun not just when you can but when you should. Face your fears, take bold steps, and take risks sensibly, so you can move forward in life at an acceptable pace. You should be different for the better at the end of every year. You must have improved in something (good) or acquired something more at every stage. Do the right thing at the right time to avoid having to struggle with patching things up with less desirable life choices, in order to catch up when others have gone far.

There are life experiences and circumstances that may hinder your plans from happening as quickly as you would like them, I agree. And there are also certain conditions that cause us setbacks that we have no control over. But it should not stop you from moving. Keep moving. However, do not run faster than your shadow in trying to get things done. You must create a healthy balance not just in how you live out your life but also in how you conduct yourself every step of the way.

If you don’t know how to prioritise, you will find that when you are ready to get serious, you will be forced to tango with unattractive options. Left-over’s will become the market places you patronise while you thirst for what others acquired at the appropriate times.

 In the words of John F. Kennedy, “Time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life”.

THE 'HE-SHE PUZZLE'

I remember a conversation I had with a guy while an undergraduate. It was going quite well until he said something. “If I make it big now and come for you, I’m sure your story will be different”. I just chuckled… Clearly, he missed it.

Man’s mission to discover and understand all there is to know about life, I would say, began with observations of surroundings. Paying close attention to the numerous faces of the skies, the textures of sands, temperatures of waters, the many attitudes of the sun, appearances of the stars, lighting of the moon and character of the seasons fed him with knowledge. Then, recognizing his desires, and realizing the limitations of his will, created by obstacles in his environment, man began to make do with what he had while devising means of utilising what he could find to achieve what he really wanted. Steadily, he conquered his environment. Discoveries have been documented to that effect.

To further cement such discoveries, theories have been suggested and proven. However, of all theories rationalised by man, one that continues to puzzle the mind is the ‘theory of the man and woman’. For something as old as creation, one would expect that by now, it would be a no-brainer. Man defines the world and yet still struggles to understand himself.

It seems that conquering gravity, geometry, anthropology, and all the other big words that label the complex aspects of life are easier than comprehending the emotional, mental and psychological frequencies that live inside us.

Okay, going down the score sheet;

Physical attributes? Tick!!

Common trends in behaviour? Gotten!!

Material tastes and immaterial preferences? Sorted!!

Attitudes towards each other? Hmmnh…

Actions and reactions between us? ‘Noted’ would be an appropriate answer. Then it gets twisted from here on - When the ‘whys’ from both ends of the rope begin to pile.

Seeing how the sighting of a female stirs up chemical reactions in a male that affects his concentration is funny. Or that a female’s audience to a male’s words can at times so easily retire her intelligence to the abandon of redundancy, marvels me more. ;-). It still surprises me that the woman, in all her ‘softness’ could wonderfully couple with man in all his ruggedness. It isn’t so easy explaining why ladies are so eager to be given attention. It is even harder explaining how guys, who know this, still can’t help but pay attention!

There is always an undertone of some sort of tension that exists in ‘inter-gender interaction’ that is found lacking in places where all present are of the same sex. And this tension may not necessarily be a bad one. Notice how we as women and men continue to display habits that have existed for centuries and still indicate in babies born every day. We make references as we learn about them in daily experiences with friends, family and in intimate relationships we commit to.

Trying to comprehend why they are, depending on individual experiences, often wears us out that we consciously and unconsciously become aggressive towards each other; viewing the other as an opponent. Next, we involuntarily switch to writing-off members of the opposite sex; defining them by stereotypes. Such stereotypes may possess some element of truth, but usually fail in enabling us of needed opportunities to develop further.

Believing that all a man needs is money to be able to ‘tame’ a woman is a form of the cold war I’m talking about, for it belittles her as an equally sensible human being. Thinking that every man can be manipulated by the sex ore a woman carries is also debasing men, for it ignores strength of character which quite a number have. These may be pointers, but there are many other considerations around the matter.

At times, when we don’t understand something, we react by antagonising it, instead of calming down and trying to learn. This shouldn’t be but it happens between us subconciously and it's so common place that it's like a reflex. For example, your lover does something that hurts you which you've noticed in others you've been with and then you just decide to harbour a bitter taste about women whil you treat them with a vendetta without truly seeking to understand. The same goes for women. We aren’t in the battle of wit. We aren’t in a race to determine who can do better. We aren’t here to prove which sex doesn’t need the other more, to be fulfilled. Relationships shouldn’t be a means to an end but a form of companionship where love is created and battles are fort together.

Learn to grow familiar with people you meet as individuals. Yes, you will keep encountering common features among members of the same gender so don’t expect a smooth ride…especially when the persons you read don’t have any idea why they are the way they are or know if they ought to be any different. Their individual dispositions should help u engage better with them and not support you in deciding how each person fits in to gender stereotypes. This is important because individuality means difference and this is what gives life diversity and humans, hope for a ‘new show’.

On a soft note, antagonism begets us, yet we find that we are constantly amazed by the consistent revelation that we cannot do without each other. We are kept engaged by our similarities and drawn to each other by our differences. Let questions accompany our examination of each other and not premature conclusions based on unwarranted bias. There are things guys wish we knew about them but wouldn’t dare tell us, may be for fear of being overruled. There are things we want guys to know about us, but aren’t decided on how to best get the message across. The secret to achieving understanding is in seeking to understand. Seek to understand others, that you may be understood.

If you ask me, I’d say celebrate the similarities and appreciate the differences; remembering to strike a fair balance between the two. However, don't set yourself up for a fall when you could enjoy a rise. And…enjoy the puzzling ride!!! *wink wink!

THE COMMERCIAL NATURE OF THE HUMAN MIND

I was at a supermarket one day trying to locate the items I had on my list and I noticed two pretty girls standing right across me doing the same, but ‘gisting’ (chatting) and laughing in the process. I could tell they were close friends from their body language. I overheard the slightly taller girl trying to convince the other one to accompany her to a party that was to hold in a week’s time. She was already pumped with excitement, but her friend who was 10 marks prettier, wasn’t really interested. This one kept looking for reasons not to go and focused more on what she came to buy than on what her friend was talking about.

After much push, the taller friend began talking about how nice it would be to attend the occasion with someone just as pretty as herself to give the guys a feast for their eyes. Then she said something to her friend that made me giggle because I knew what she was now trying to do…“How do you expect to forget your ex if you don’t increase your popularity”? The prettier one answered; “I don’t care”.

The taller one said “Oh but you must care. Everyone got so used to seeing you and him together everywhere. You hardly went anywhere public without each other. If you want to move on you need to re-introduce yourself to the world as ‘single’. And what better way to do it than to be seen socialising without him nearby. A party is the best place to start!” The other girl slowed her pace and her eyes lifted from her shopping list to her friends’ face. Now she was in interested. Well, at least, enough to give her friend a glance. Do you know what she said next? “Okay, okay…I’ll come then. But I will only stay for an hour then we are leaving”. An aggressive hug from the taller girl followed!!!

Did you notice the change in mindset? You see, the tall girl finally succeeded at buying her friend’s approval to go with her to a party because she had offered something that was important to her reluctant friend. She convinced her to go because she was able to show her what she would gain from it. Her friend had just had a bad break up and needed a new start - a welcome distraction. She needed something to help her move on. This would appeal to her and her friend knew it.

The decision to do or not do certain things depends on a queue of circumstances. However, of all, one that remains constant in influencing options we take is the “Me factor”. “What about me?” “What do I have to gain from this?” “How will this affect me?”

People are controlled by the possibility of benefit. It pressures the choices of some, patterns the mentality of others, and determines the actions of many more. What group do you belong?

You know, there is the tendency for the image of money to always show up in minds whenever the term ‘buy’ is mentioned. Nevertheless, that’s not what I mean in this context. It isn’t strange to say that people can be bought. Already we have understood that it isn’t the normal ‘money purchasing’ kind of buy. It just depends on what you are buying them ‘with’ or what you are being bought ‘with’.

The practice of trade has been in human blood for centuries, when trade by barter which I call “acquisition by exchange”, was the popular practice of commerce, as money didn’t exist then. Lordships in Europe and traditional Kings in Africa used such forms of barter to cement inter-regional relationships; by way of giving their daughters out in marriage to worthy personalities in appreciation for favours done. That’s a form of commerce; trade. It still exists in our century. Its presence is so silent that it has become somewhat unconscious…transiting from one aspect of relationship to the next without being noticed.

Simply put, you trade one experience for the benefit of another.

The human mind is a complex one…as complex as the realities of life that engage it. So, most definitely, we aren’t discussing “a trip to the super market, a shopping trolley in hand and a selection of items on the purchase list; then, payment for purchase over the counter”. No, we are not.

We are discussing dreams, interests, inspirations, motives and desires that instigate people to choose to do certain things or allow certain things be done to them.

You see, the mind is fascinated by what appeals to its owner. The brain is what you see. The mind is what gives the brain perspective in the same way the soul gives the body ‘life’. What you like, what you are driven by affects how you choose between options A and B. It could be money, favour, the vision of bright prospects, outsmarting others, the list is endless.

Many times we become involved in situations either because we opt to make them happen or because we allow that they happen to us; most probably since we feel there is something to gain. We condone experiences or engineer experiences hoping to profit. This describes the acquisition by exchange concept I mentioned earlier. Choosing to put in something, hoping to receive something in return can be likened to ‘trade by barter’.

Yes, it is in human nature to be selfish. That, we already know. But what we may not have considered before now is that, this may in fact be an indication of ‘the commercial nature of the human mind’.

Here are some illustrations to better explain. A lady wouldn’t date a guy if his manner of chase didn’t flatter her or if she wasn’t convinced that the potency of benefit was eminent if she accepted him. This ‘potency of benefit’ could be love, companionship or diversely, to show off to her girlfriends, materialistic acquisition or money!!!

Next, you wouldn’t patronize a corporate organization if you didn’t see how its offers would profit you greatly. Finally, you wouldn’t decide to work for people or establishments if the working conditions didn’t promise to somehow favour you.

We become predictable or even gullible when possibilities surrounding options that crowd our lives daily match our ultimate desires. We become easier to deal with by others when it appears they have what we like, what we want. Some people choose to be or remain in the company of others basically because of what they are gaining or what they hope to gain. For some it could be happiness, peace of mind; for others it could be connections, popularity, material gains, intellectual empowerment and financial growth and so on.

Isn’t this what makes advertising and public relations very effective? Consider this: the better the picture, the higher the attraction. This implies that the more beneficial the ‘concept for sale’ appears to our tastes or the more in tune it is with our different interests, motives, goals, dreams, and desires, the higher the chance of us cashing in. We ‘cash in’ in numerous ways - by giving our presence, support, money, friendship, assistance, love, participation and even effort.

Everything we do or avoid doing; the attachment we have with things and people, as well as the distance we keep from certain things and certain people are all influenced by how each of us views the possibility of our benefit in all of it.

Here is the catch: anything being proposed must be something that the mind of the reading eye or listening ear is greatly appealed by in order to make him decide in favour of it.

Now I have to stop this here and start preparing for a seminar I convinced my cousin to also attend, on the grounds that she’d meet potential clients that could invest in her business…lol. Now, isn't that a food for thought! :-)

TEACH YOUR BOY AS YOU TEACH YOUR GIRL

While the MC was cracking jokes about the bride and groom at their wedding reception where I was present, I took note of how a young woman beside me kept pulling her little daughter back to their table every time she ventured to walk away. This woman shushed her each time she wanted to scream. When she tried wriggling out of her chair, her mum spanked her a little and she began sniffing with tears not too far away. Less than 15 minutes later, a little boy ran to the table with stains on his shirt, a spoon in hand and he was screaming. And this woman giggled. When she tried reaching out, he moved away and threw the spoon in his hand at her. Hmmmnh...this little boy was her son..say, a year or two older than the girl who sat put by her mother's side, with a sad face and tears in her eyes. I started to think...

Gender perception in society is one among the numerous strong holds that tug on the strands of societal operation. It echoes within the walls of society from time to time. The concept features in all spheres of human existence (and involvement). It appears in matters of faith, it performs in the spheres of matrimony, it strolls down the halls of politics, it influences inter-gender relations and the list goes on. Gender perception, though not a material (physical) part of society, can explain to some extent, why it is that certain people think the way they do and act the way they do in relation to others of the same gender and of the opposite gender.

In child upbringing, the concept of gender perception plays a very active role. It starts with the general society and converges at the base in the family unit. Humanitarians in Nigeria always clamour for the right of the female child to good education as is effortlessly exercised with her male counterpart. We further hear in the political environment, plenty talk about getting more women not only involved in the political process but having more women represented in the House of Representatives under the Good luck Jonathan administration.

These are all commendable efforts that echo the much potent but too often overlooked relevance of women in the affairs of society. Freedom to good education is not all that there is to the headaches the girl child undergoes. There are other areas where the female child has not been well appreciated as the male child. Enormous attention is placed on the ‘should be’ character of the girl child.

The essence of home training which thrives abundantly in the African culture is to groom a child that she or he may turn out to be commendable, of respectable carriage and a reputable force to reckon with by all who come in contact with such an individual. Thus, speaking well of family roots. Another reason is so that she or he can equally pass on the same received cultural values to her children and the process goes on. So, training a child is like saving for the rainy day… Instilling virtues in a child to enable that child do the same to his child and throughout future generations.

The female child is seen as the starting point of generations. She spends more time with her children as a mother than the father who is presumed to be out working for his family, as society expects. This explains why a lot of noise is always made towards ensuring that the female child is taught how to manage a home, her husband and her children to achieve a favourable balance.

The downside to this however, too much focus is lavished on the female that her brother in plenty cases is overlooked numerously in the training process. Many a time, many mothers get it wrong. You dwell so much on impacting virtues on their daughters for them to be the perfect women for men to marry, forgetting that if a woman is good, she is good for herself, her family and many others around her. Her acceptable behaviour and good manners will attract favour and blessing as well as elevate her in life. Many fathers (not all) only contribute to this via limiting the freedom of such girls by enforcing their marginal and judgmental doctrines upon them.

Life is not all about being the perfect woman for whatever man she will marry in future. A man should not be seen as a prize; but simply appreciated as a necessary aspect of life just as his counterpart, the woman. The essence of her should not be for the satisfaction of the opposite gender but for her to know who she is and value herself. The female child is not a utility object, engaged for the sole purpose of solving problems or attending to house chores and needs of others. The empowerment that many clamour for and that many humanitarians occupy themselves with starts from the loose ends untied in the family unit.

When you fill her head with nothing other than how everything she does connects to the ‘service’ of men, and how she should begrudge other girls in competing for his attention, why then do you express confusion whenever she does not appear to exude the self confidence, independence, inner strength, and undeterred will power that ought to accord her the grace she needs to gain control of her life...? This is because all you have done is give her enough weight to draw her to the bottom of the ocean where she remains at the mercy of the opposite sex.

Train all your children alike. The only thing a wise parent need do is consider physical gender differences and not put children up to tasks that are detrimental to their well being. 
In the same way that a girl is taught how to lay her bed immediately after rising up in the morning, clear the table and take her plate to the kitchen after eating, flush the toilet and wash her hands right after, keep her environment clean, cook good meals, wash her clothes, dining table etiquette, etc is the same way a boy should be taught.

Let us not overburden our daughters with responsibilities that are founded on marginalizing philosophies of life while allowing our boys to go unconsidered. As you teach your daughters to be decent individuals, imbibe and emphasize such values in your sons as well. There is no point preparing the best women for below standard men out there. What then will be the essence of all the effort? Who then, will teach our boys how to play positive and effective roles as husbands and fathers? Who then will teach them how to be good team players in marriage? It does not stop at providing shelter and food.

Let us ask ourselves, what about the women that such boys will grow up to marry? 
No matter the point from where you push it, all sides of the circle will always come round to meet you. Think about the ladies who such boys will be socializing with. If they are not from the start, exposed to an orientation that expects them also to value women, how else will they be able to reciprocate the values you put in your girls while growing up? Then, when challenges arise, she receives advice that she persevere in silence and misery, believing that it is expected of him by call of nature, when this could have been avoided from the start. This is about human feeling and not cultural role play.

How do you expect her to be happy when you invested your all in preparing her for a fall? You want her to be impeccable for her future man. How about the attitude and behaviour of a man towards his future woman? He will lack the manners you taught your girl, he will lack the discipline you exhausted energy imbibing in your girl, he will lack the respect and empathy you nurtured in your girl, he will value only himself and most definitely, he will neglect the rules you taught your girl to uphold in partnership. Your purpose has terribly been defeated. 

Good men don’t just fall from the sky; they come from homes and were once our boys.

Raise up good girls and good boys alike. In that way, society stands a better chance at being a better place for all.

A THOUGHT ON WHY WOMEN PREFER MEN AS FRIENDS

I was lying in bed lazily, one evening after I had just come in from an annoying lecture. One of those lectures where the lecturer just stands in front of the class and speaks in lifeless whispers that make you wonder whether he spends most of his free time outside the classroom, rocking babies to sleep. Very boring!! And yes, you are there trying to listen to him, at least to justify your tuition fees if there be any reason at all. Then, at the end of the exhausting exercise, where you look around and see everyone yawning with partially open eye lids, he dishes out materials as burdening as himself and announces an assignment due date.

While I thanked the heavens all lecturers aren’t this way, in comes Jen (my roommate) with her trumpet voice on a call. She was declaring bitterly that guys are better friends than girls. She kept arguing to convince, that guys are better to have around than girls. Just the needle to break my camels’ back! (Like, hello!! Didn’t this girl know she was in the room with a ‘girl’?!!) Annoying…but then again...it got me thinking.

You see, we all make up different parts of society. And society, believe it or not, is the end product of the way we think. Our mentalities fashion the kind of guidelines our societies live by. It is our thoughts that produce the experiences our societies live with.  Friendship is an important constituent of human living, in society. Working like the necessary water to plant growth, it facilitates happiness and human development.

Generally, human thinking more often than not, is controlled by stereotypes which may be positive or negative. Numerous women grow up ascribing to stereotypes - platonic interaction with members of the same gender is one among the many. 

Friendship in its true essence ought not to be gender based, but the knowledge that many ladies prefer cultivating friendships with men over women, has become somewhat ‘common place’. Why is this? [Perception born out of psychology].

This topic brings to the fore various colours of opinion. Some say that women prefer men as friends because females hold grudges, where as males fight it out and forget. Others say it’s because with men there’s less competition, less envy. Another school of thought puts it that women are too high maintenance. It takes too much to attract them and much more to keep them, with overriding factors such as unnecessary misinterpretation of intentions and actions and the all too familiar ‘inferiority complex’ stigma which hampers progress. The list does not end here.

The perception that quite a number of women harbour about establishing and nurturing relationships and with fellow women is usually negative. In succession to that, it’s only natural to shy away from or out rightly disassociate yourself from experiences you anticipate may be unfavourable to you. Too many women have stereotypical ideas about their own gender; and consider themselves outside the gender box, while putting others into it. Not all women, but too many. Women also have stereotypical ideas about men and have friendships that reinforce them (such ideas).

Note this: When actions are being made and opinions being divulged, the recipient must not be in haste to digest all at face value. I am not saying be proactively suspicious of falsehood in people you relate with, for that would be encouraging that you distrust others with paranoia, which is not my intention. Instead, what I’m saying is you don’t know the hearts of those whose utterances you listen to. A very big mistake you can make is thinking you know why individuals live the way they do and say the things they say. People may utilise popular quotes or employ popular views to express themselves, but the inspiration behind the answer of each person defers. Experiences that shape the mind differ.

Friendship plays out in different ways. So, you need to ask certain questions like:

1.                  Why are some women friendlier to men than to fellow women?

2.                  Why are some women predominantly seen in the company of men?

3.                  Why do some women consciously gravitate towards men more?

See? These little questions show the different scenarios that lead to the big answer up for grabs. There are quite a number of factors that could lead to scenarios which I just coined into the three questions above. For starters; background, history, mentality, intention, motive and personality traits among other things account for why some women may pick the male gender over the females as a better choice for friendship building. However, know three things: where you spend most of your time rubs off on you. What you spend most of your time doing creates a place in you. Most times, it defines or redefines you.

But then! There is a rough edge that comes with befriending guys which I am sure, you may have already taken note of, for those of you that are very observant and analytic to an extent. If you have been relating with guys for long and the same goes for guys with ladies…you are probably thinking what I’m thinking.

My advice? Stop and realise that there’s a high possibility you are making some lazy generalizations, be you a guy or a lady. Do not be in a hurry to establish friendships for the fear of being alone. Do not be careless with personal matters just because you don’t expect betrayal. Learn to accommodate the differences in people and develop an attitude of correcting flaws with love, and acknowledge strengths when necessary, for these can simplify even the highest of complexities. Bad personalities cut across both genders and imperfection is not unique to any gender alone.

Seek the company of like minded women, and form friendships with people, disregarding gender categories. It is the mind that rules, and not the biological anatomy that encases personalities. There is nothing to compare, it is just a matter of understanding.

DON'T JUST WANT LOVE, 'LOVE' LOVE

Imagine having a chat with someone, not necessarily for the first or even the second time, but say, somewhere along the line of you both getting to know each other, and the guy or lady starts talking about bedroom favourites. This person doesn't just speak about himself (or herself) freely, revealing sexual information that ought to be private, but goes on to try prompting you to reveal yourself so randomly. Just like that. I don’t know about you but for me, it can get quite uncomfortable.

Ever been in the company of persons who so easily talk about intimate experiences they have with their lovers or sexual encounters with random members of the opposite sex not minding who is listening? Ooh I definitely have. You might even be one of them!!! :-/

In a bid to break the silence, soften the tension of unfamiliarity in the air, draw closer to people, pull others closer to us, or make ourselves more comfortable amidst new acquaintances; we tend to talk about things that make us comfortable. Talking about ourselves is one of the easiest things to do as it is a perfect comfort zone. It allows us the calm, flexibility and fluidity needed to keep conversations running, as one can never exhaust all that there is to say about himself. And you cannot speak about anything as well as you can about yourself.

However, in this bid to socialize and share time with others, what are the things we talk about? Who are the people we talk with about such things? In what circumstances and conditions are such conversations engineered and launched? And, to what extent are such topics discussed? What kind of images do we portray about ourselves in the topical issues we raise?

Discussing sexual inclinations at random debases your personality’s worth. Talking without reservation about your love life is not a smart move. Being unreserved about the details of your love, all in the name of trying to be cool, in attempt to obtain a favourable footing with someone or merely to generate conversation, intrudes upon your love. By this, I mean your intimate chemistry with your significant other. When you share so much of you with parts of the world, you are not left with much more or anything new to offer (in style, experience and fulfillment) when a part of that ‘world’ gets a sip of how ‘love’ would taste with you.

Asides that, you create room for opinions from others that may be potentially destructive as your mindset will be subjected to the possibility of contamination. The beauty in keeping romance private lies in its emotional exclusivity. Leaving such matters for fewer ears heightens its value. When something means a lot to you, you shield it from anything that may threaten its existence or the length of it. In that regard, making your ‘love’ accessible to everybody or anybody is not a move in the right direction. If you appreciate what you have the best way to depict that is in your effort to protect it. In the same way that some medicines only remain potent for as long as their lids are kept tightly shut from air intrusion, your love life will last for as long as you are willing to keep it away from public digestion and scrutiny.

The aim is to ‘preserve’ your love. So to preserve it, you must protect it. To protect it, you must preserve yourself. Self preservation is a form of self-respect. Self respect is a form of respecting your loved one, for that which debases you in extension debases your loved one too.

Do not do things that belittle the value of intimacy. For instance, randomly revealing your tastes in the bedroom is absolutely uncalled for. Telling acquaintances and friends about your sexual encounters that ought to be between you and your lover or spouse alone reduces its vibrancy. Keep that which should be private, private. This does not rule out having confidants who you may go to for advice because everyone has someone they confide in about private matters. 
Acknowledging the concept of privacy facilitates the course of preservation. Privacy amplifies contentment derived from ventures. Privacy empowers intimacy. The secrecy in it is the value of it. If you claim to love him or her, keep private, that which bonds you. If you claim to love the reality of love, then keep your romantic and sexual inclinations away from random ears.

The torrent of exploration is the essence of discovery. That is one of the many ways to protect love. An experience with you won’t stand any chance of being appreciated if it is auctioned (sold put) at a giveaway price. If you claim to love love, then, you must protect it. Because in the end, you’ll be happier with and in it.

AVOID SAYING "I'M SORRY" IF YOU CAN

I was speaking with Badoli, a close friend of mine who was narrating how terrible things had gotten with his lover in recent times. He expressed with sour bitterness, how she had been sacrificing their relationship for her interests which he knew she wouldn’t admit, to avoid having to open up completely, since he suspected with sound evidence, they bordered heavily on infidelity. I was being very careful not to out rightly advise him to walk away from her because I know how risky meddling into the affairs of lovers can be. He said so much about how she would fail at promises she made, ignore his calls numerously and make no attempt to call back until he called again and demanded for an explanation which she’d only respond to in silence, forget his birthdays and how she would only drop by to see him at work when she had someone else to visit in the area. Yep, sounds like a red alert right?  

Then, finally with courage, he said he stopped calling, stopped seeking for her attention after 2 years of a smooth relationship. She began trying to reach out to him a month later after cold silence between them…but that wasn’t what surprised him or me in fact! Apparently, her best friend who had become their mutual friend was her indirect microphone for their reconciliation. She would call him, claiming to check on him and then ask when last he had checked up on his ‘girlfriend’. Note the title ‘girlfriend’? Just when it seemed to him that they had silently broken up right? I laughed at this point for I understood what was happening. Badoli’s girlfriend wanted back in, but didn’t know how to do it. Or, knew how to do it but couldn’t get herself to. 

I thought, why not just admit that things had soured, apologise for everything and ask for another chance? If having him back would cost her, her pride, why not get on with it. Simple right? Well not that simple for her.

Human relationships work like bonds that keep the circles of life spinning. Blood ties, friendships, acquaintances and romance amongst others, are breeding grounds for interaction that lead to the birth of relationships which humans create by attitudes, behaviours, verbal utterances and correspondence of body language.  What turns a first meeting into decades of long friendship is the kind of relation that happens in between.  

The den of human relations is usually packed with positive and negative landmarks. Relationships are born every day because as people continually cross paths, the fire of new acquaintances is kept burning.

While some make new friends, others are out with familiar faces. Some last, others don’t last that long. Some don’t even survive past the ‘getting to know you’ stage. As some are just beginning, others are building theirs. Some are nurturing theirs, while others are maintaining theirs. Then, there’s the lesser few that are reinforcing the ties that keep them bonded. 

What do you think is the key factor in all these scenarios?

As we all grow old with the world, the same (aging process) happens to our ability to relate with one another. During this time, it’s only natural that our strengths rob off on each other, and our weaknesses become more glaring. 

How do you interact with others? What do you attach most importance to in your relationships? How do you treat others, en-root your journey to achieve your short and long term goals in life?

Avoid to the barest minimum, hurting people. It is not only a noble thing to do, but it saves you the hassles of searching for the best way to set things right. There are ways to handle your moods such that you don’t leave bruises on the hearts, minds or bodies of others (even if they caused it in particular cases). 

We are all very familiar with the phrase “I’m Sorry”. We make use of it when expressing regret for our mistakes, remorse for our wrong doings and seeking pardon that we be forgiven. Whether you realize it or not, saying ‘I’m sorry’ comes with silent promises you don’t even know you are making. And these promises also come accompanied by risks that could discomfort you and to an extent, if not considered thoroughly, question your personality.

As imperfect as we are, we cannot be sure not to offend others. For we even offend without knowing it too. But when you learn to adopt good will for the well-being of others, you will constantly choose the noble course of action in order not to offend the next person. I still get amazed at how some individuals who know they have hurt particular persons would rather stay away from such persons instead of just swallow their pride and say “I’m sorry”. I still have not been able to understand such people. 

Saying I’m sorry when you are in the wrong depicts humility, shows you are aware that feelings have been hurt, shows you care enough to try and indicates you are a peace lover. But take care not to do it at random for this sends the wrong message and the wrong message, has its own consequences. 

The message here is not that you run from apologizing to people when you have offended or hurt them in some way (directly or indirectly) because that would make you appear proud and insensitive. The point is: stop yourself from saying or doing things to people that would make you have to apologize or make amends for it later in order that such relationships stand a chance at survival. Like the popular saying goes, a stitch in time saves nine”.