TEACH YOUR BOY AS YOU TEACH YOUR GIRL

While the MC was cracking jokes about the bride and groom at their wedding reception where I was present, I took note of how a young woman beside me kept pulling her little daughter back to their table every time she ventured to walk away. This woman shushed her each time she wanted to scream. When she tried wriggling out of her chair, her mum spanked her a little and she began sniffing with tears not too far away. Less than 15 minutes later, a little boy ran to the table with stains on his shirt, a spoon in hand and he was screaming. And this woman giggled. When she tried reaching out, he moved away and threw the spoon in his hand at her. Hmmmnh...this little boy was her son..say, a year or two older than the girl who sat put by her mother's side, with a sad face and tears in her eyes. I started to think...

Gender perception in society is one among the numerous strong holds that tug on the strands of societal operation. It echoes within the walls of society from time to time. The concept features in all spheres of human existence (and involvement). It appears in matters of faith, it performs in the spheres of matrimony, it strolls down the halls of politics, it influences inter-gender relations and the list goes on. Gender perception, though not a material (physical) part of society, can explain to some extent, why it is that certain people think the way they do and act the way they do in relation to others of the same gender and of the opposite gender.

In child upbringing, the concept of gender perception plays a very active role. It starts with the general society and converges at the base in the family unit. Humanitarians in Nigeria always clamour for the right of the female child to good education as is effortlessly exercised with her male counterpart. We further hear in the political environment, plenty talk about getting more women not only involved in the political process but having more women represented in the House of Representatives under the Good luck Jonathan administration.

These are all commendable efforts that echo the much potent but too often overlooked relevance of women in the affairs of society. Freedom to good education is not all that there is to the headaches the girl child undergoes. There are other areas where the female child has not been well appreciated as the male child. Enormous attention is placed on the ‘should be’ character of the girl child.

The essence of home training which thrives abundantly in the African culture is to groom a child that she or he may turn out to be commendable, of respectable carriage and a reputable force to reckon with by all who come in contact with such an individual. Thus, speaking well of family roots. Another reason is so that she or he can equally pass on the same received cultural values to her children and the process goes on. So, training a child is like saving for the rainy day… Instilling virtues in a child to enable that child do the same to his child and throughout future generations.

The female child is seen as the starting point of generations. She spends more time with her children as a mother than the father who is presumed to be out working for his family, as society expects. This explains why a lot of noise is always made towards ensuring that the female child is taught how to manage a home, her husband and her children to achieve a favourable balance.

The downside to this however, too much focus is lavished on the female that her brother in plenty cases is overlooked numerously in the training process. Many a time, many mothers get it wrong. You dwell so much on impacting virtues on their daughters for them to be the perfect women for men to marry, forgetting that if a woman is good, she is good for herself, her family and many others around her. Her acceptable behaviour and good manners will attract favour and blessing as well as elevate her in life. Many fathers (not all) only contribute to this via limiting the freedom of such girls by enforcing their marginal and judgmental doctrines upon them.

Life is not all about being the perfect woman for whatever man she will marry in future. A man should not be seen as a prize; but simply appreciated as a necessary aspect of life just as his counterpart, the woman. The essence of her should not be for the satisfaction of the opposite gender but for her to know who she is and value herself. The female child is not a utility object, engaged for the sole purpose of solving problems or attending to house chores and needs of others. The empowerment that many clamour for and that many humanitarians occupy themselves with starts from the loose ends untied in the family unit.

When you fill her head with nothing other than how everything she does connects to the ‘service’ of men, and how she should begrudge other girls in competing for his attention, why then do you express confusion whenever she does not appear to exude the self confidence, independence, inner strength, and undeterred will power that ought to accord her the grace she needs to gain control of her life...? This is because all you have done is give her enough weight to draw her to the bottom of the ocean where she remains at the mercy of the opposite sex.

Train all your children alike. The only thing a wise parent need do is consider physical gender differences and not put children up to tasks that are detrimental to their well being. 
In the same way that a girl is taught how to lay her bed immediately after rising up in the morning, clear the table and take her plate to the kitchen after eating, flush the toilet and wash her hands right after, keep her environment clean, cook good meals, wash her clothes, dining table etiquette, etc is the same way a boy should be taught.

Let us not overburden our daughters with responsibilities that are founded on marginalizing philosophies of life while allowing our boys to go unconsidered. As you teach your daughters to be decent individuals, imbibe and emphasize such values in your sons as well. There is no point preparing the best women for below standard men out there. What then will be the essence of all the effort? Who then, will teach our boys how to play positive and effective roles as husbands and fathers? Who then will teach them how to be good team players in marriage? It does not stop at providing shelter and food.

Let us ask ourselves, what about the women that such boys will grow up to marry? 
No matter the point from where you push it, all sides of the circle will always come round to meet you. Think about the ladies who such boys will be socializing with. If they are not from the start, exposed to an orientation that expects them also to value women, how else will they be able to reciprocate the values you put in your girls while growing up? Then, when challenges arise, she receives advice that she persevere in silence and misery, believing that it is expected of him by call of nature, when this could have been avoided from the start. This is about human feeling and not cultural role play.

How do you expect her to be happy when you invested your all in preparing her for a fall? You want her to be impeccable for her future man. How about the attitude and behaviour of a man towards his future woman? He will lack the manners you taught your girl, he will lack the discipline you exhausted energy imbibing in your girl, he will lack the respect and empathy you nurtured in your girl, he will value only himself and most definitely, he will neglect the rules you taught your girl to uphold in partnership. Your purpose has terribly been defeated. 

Good men don’t just fall from the sky; they come from homes and were once our boys.

Raise up good girls and good boys alike. In that way, society stands a better chance at being a better place for all.