IT'S GOT TO BE CONSCIOUS

"But dear I have been uneasy since yesterday didn't really sleep well. Don't know why. I just feel tension. A lot of it....it has been reoccuring to be honest. I don't know what it Is. I prayed this morning. Still praying for peace and clarity". 

These were the words of a bossom loved one in a chat I received at about 11am on a Monday morning. I felt great concern for this person and wanted to help. I proceeded to ask him questions about his thought pattern of late and if there was anything he had been very deeply worried about that it not only preoccupied his thoughts but may have gone on to create great tension and anxiety even in the subconscious. 

He denied a couple more options and suggestions I raised in the discussion that, aimed at crossing out possible scenarious with the hope to arrive at the most likely cause of his tension. As the conversation (chat) grew older, a sense of clarity though still foggy, began to emerge. With respect, he shared something that I felt was very deep. 

"Coz there's a level of dissatisfaction I've been feeling with the quality of my spirituality"... 

Now this, caught my attention. He's a Christian by the way and he has his ideologies about religion, faith, life and daily living. A very energetic, smart, wildly humoured, corporate oriented, civilised young man in his early 30s.

He seemed to me, not to really be the type who cared about such issues as "spirituality" let alone feel "dissatisfied" about where he was on that scale. Quite frankly, I'd have sworn he is a party animal; a man tailored by ye adrenaline rush of adventure. A man without a care in the world. Well, this taught me better. 

So EZiii as I call him, has a little "more" to give from within. Many of us may have been in his situation before. Be it in our faith (in a supreme being) or in our feeling about direction in life. 

I read on as he went further to express himself, opening up more as he unravelled his situation before me. He wrote alot though in not so many words. I had a lot to say to him. It may appear to be solely for Christian folk but I guarantee that there are lessons that even the non Christian could take away from the content of my advice to him. These were my words to him then and they are my words to you now.

It's got to be conscious. Christianity is CONSCIOUS every step of the way. It is not coincidental, it's not a pass time affair, it's not an entertainment to scenario that takes no effort other than availability and in some cases access of cash, it's not a bandwagon drill, it's not a peer pressure skit, it's not an adrenaline rush affair, it's not a scheme.

It's a conscious decision to BELONG TO a force higher than us...and to see Him in every thing we do and everything we are a part of. We already belong to a higher force than ourselves in our distinct individualities. Thus, the use of the word "belong" is adopted in the capacity of "action"...action in proactivity and pragmatism and not in mere state of being in its noun form.

When you recreate a path back to Him in the adjective Christianity, it will make it hard for you to live a certain kind of life. Your bank of committing certain sins with excuses to justify them will become offensive even to you. It will make it easier to tell yourself the truth. It will make it easier for you not to make light of your wrong and infuse in you a higher sense of responsibility. 

By "higher" I mean to include and expressly refer to the Divine standard of "being" which is not as far fetched or illusive or imaginative as many preachers make it appear or many falters make it look. You'll be closer to God not just in your heart and spirit but in your actions and mindset too. You'll be able to hear Him better and even decipher situations around you with more productivity than docility. 

Christianity isn't synonymous to boredom or ignorance. It's the complete opposite...giving meaning to life, interpretation to experience and "finiteness" to challenge and difficulty. True Christianity frowns at docility which this case created for "consciousness" serves to elucidate. 

TO BE CONSCIOUS means to put effort. It means to make decision. It means to institute drive to ensure that that decision is followed through. It means to fight hard and rough not to derail and when we see that we are, we fight just as hard or even more to get back on track...To be conscious means not to allow chance toy with our existence. 

It means to have focus. It means to remind oneself of what it takes to STAY conscious and what it means to be otherwise. It means not to entertain or create excuses not to follow through. It's not just about breathing because even the subconscious state of being hangs on the existence of the conscious state of being. Even the unconscious depends on the reality of breath. It's about adopting a mindset and psychology that fuels your output, character, personality, purpose and achievement in both mind, body, spirit, and ambition. Make ur walk back to OUR FATHER CONSCIOUS.

DREAM BUT DON'T SLEEP

I ’d like to ask you a question… Do you dream? I mean, when you wake up from sleep, do you remember having had a dream? 

Well….I am a dreamer. I like that I dream. A lot of times I wake up in the morning, I remember my dreams. In fact, my dreams while I sleep make sleeping more satisfying. I feel sleep is productive when I dream…especially when I remember that dream. 

I once had a dream, where I was in a place that was familiar. Only, I don’t recognize having been there before. It was a large hall; very brightly lit and I was being applauded by a large crowd as I walked down the aisle through the center of the crowd towards an elevated stage. 

In truth! I was different. More beautiful in fact! No black spots; glowing flawless skin and I appeared powerful. But before I could go any further enjoying this apparent ‘new me’ – DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! DING! My rude alarm woke me up. Just for me to see my tanned skin, my spots still there! In fact, with an even newly recruited pimple at the base of my chin; no crowd, no applause and obviously no power - Just a small room. What an annoying reality. 

But today, I’m not speaking of that kind of dream. I am talking about a kind of dream which comes mainly when you are NOT sleeping. And this brings me to my topic: 

DREAM BUT DON’T SLEEP

Dreams….Dreams…Usual factors of life aren’t they? But with all that familiarity we have with them, can you say what they are? Can you easily define them? If you ask me I’d say;   

“Dreams are images of the mind; produced by will of the heart; which are made manifest in reality by the achievement of set goals”. 

To me there are two types of Goals: Long term goals and Short term goals. I will say more about these two later.

 So, in this regard, I am talking about the kind of dream that gives purpose, meaning and direction to your life.

Here are some TIPS: 

1. Have an Image in Mind

 You must have an image in mind. There must be a bigger picture and having a bigger picture means you have purpose.

2. Decide!!! 

Make that decision. Decide that ‘this’ is what I want. It’s not enough to feel it or to yearn for it. You must decide to follow through. Think it through. Have a clear head. This is what I refer to when I say ‘will of the heart’. Create your conviction, then, begin.

3. Act on it

Action gives life to thought. It gives movement to will. It cannot remain in your mind and heart if you want it to come to pass. It must happen. To ‘happen’ means to take place - TO DO. Therefore, you must DO something about it.

Now this brings us to point 4.

4. Set Goals

Goals make dreams tangible. As already stated earlier, I recognize two kinds of goals – Long term and Short term goals. Long term goal(s) is the ultimate goal. It is that vision that thrives in your heart and keeps you committed to the future you desire to have. It is your dream. Short term goals are a series of time bound activities embarked on at different points in time that eventually result in the accomplishment of the ultimate goal.

When you dream you do not sleep, you wake up and set goals. ‘Sleep’ in this regard refers to laziness, procrastination, docility and excuse giving. ‘Wake up’ in this context means push yourself into action. 

If I hadn’t woken up from my dream would I have realized that my reality was distastefully different? I would not have. And that hunger to make my ‘dream’ my reality would not have been born; would not have been further strengthened. When you taste something that is not sweet, it agitates you to look for what is because what is bitter (in this context) is not enjoyable.

You can’t achieve dreams if you don’t set goals. Otherwise, how do you measure your performance? Note that your goals must take you closer to the ultimate goal. Thus, goals must be relevant to your purpose. Each short term goal may be different from the next, but they all come together to form the final goal.

Note: Goals must be:  

· (Practical) Realistic 

· Time bound

· Measurable

5. Find a source of Inspiration

A lot of us are inspired by people who are already ‘there’ – that is, where we want to be; those who are at the top so to speak and by inference, those who are leading. Whenever questioned about our ambitions we quickly lean towards people taking the lead in their chosen career paths and leaders of all sorts in all fields of human endeavour e.g. leaders of nations, Professional leaders, Church leaders, societal leaders, social leaders (musicians, actors, actresses, and the likes). And gradually, these personalities have become our standards.

You want to be where they are, what they are, how they are, enjoy what they enjoy. You desire is to be ahead of the rest just as these pace setters are. By way of being pace setters, they have become leaders in their various fields. So, by wanting to be like them, you indirectly want to be a leader. Interestingly, this is the part many of us miss. 

We all want to be at the top not the bottom; ahead and not behind. However, to be in front means to have others behind you. When you are at the front, what are you doing? LEADING! When you are leading what are you? A LEADER!

These successful individuals have become our beacons of inspiration, and by extension, they have indirectly placed on us the responsibility of summoning that courage, discipline, determination and perseverance in us that took them to get to where they are.

Here’s one way to take charge…

6. Self Development

It is one thing to have a source of inspiration that keeps your enthusiasm for greatness fuelled and another to consistently engage yourself in line with your inspiration ensuring that your progression towards your dream is assured. You must work on yourself – develop gifts or talents you have noticed you have and acquire others you feel necessary to guarantee your success. Because like it or not, before you can lead in anything you must first master leadership of yourself. By this I mean, know who you are, understand what works for you and do not try to be others. Make effort to discover yourself and further invest in bettering yourself

In order to achieve this, go for trainings in capacity development, attend certificate courses, be an apprentice somewhere of relevance to learn what you did not know before and master what you only had a vague idea about prior. But remember, every experience you put yourself through must be relevant to the bigger picture. You need not worry about financial resources. Start small and work your way up. Register for affordable courses or training and as you adopt, utilize knowledge and skills gained; and grow, you can gradually begin to enroll in some more recognizable organizations. There are many opportunities to gather information online for instance. That’s a good way to start. 

As far as you are no longer totally ignorant as you were before you started, you will be more useful when new opportunities of engagement come up. These will further develop you. 

7. Have Faith and Patience 

While you make effort to accomplish your dreams, remember that nothing happens over night. Those you envy, admire and look up to devoted massive energy to succeed. Even though they appear to have it easy, it was not always like that and probably still isn’t.

I bet you they still put in a lot to sustain their success. Because the reward of success is more work. So, you must be patient. 

Nevertheless, be realistic about your efforts and always tell yourself the truth if you are doing enough and also if what you are doing is right to your purpose. Conversely, have faith in yourself when confronted by challenges (for surely they will come) and stay connected to your source of inspiration. 

I wish you all the best!!

 LEAD YOU, BEFORE YOU WISH TO LEAD THEM

At a Leadership Workshop some time ago, one, organised by a Non-Governmental organization, I sat and listened to a Director address a set of promising high school teenagers. I realised how everyone present had dreams that bordered on holding positions of high respect, societal prominence and financial power. The girls and boys wanted to be future presidents, governors, senators, world renowned experts in their dream careers.

As I witnessed, I learnt something. This crowd of juveniles, with their eyes wide open eager to express themselves, wanted to be the BEST at whatever they chose to be in life. They didnt just want success, they wanted that success to put them ahead of their peers. Not only did they want to be ‘ahead’, each wanted to be at the top with others following their lead. 

Not bad at all, I’d say. (For you can become whatever it is you set your mind to). But, it didn’t take long before I began to notice that they were not aware of the need for passion in life success. They chose fame, wealth and respect because these accolades looked good on others - without considering that individual differences play a huge role in facilitating or hindering ambition. They didn’t realise this, but I did. I understood their mindset and much more...They wanted to be LEADERS...They didnt just know it as ‘that’. 

It is natural to want the best for yourself. In fact it is human nature to desire the thrown and not the foot rest. When asked of what our dreams are, we lean towards being the greatest at our chosen paths. Being the greatest means standing out among many..becoming the standard by which others are measured..It means being in the lead while others follow behind. When you say you want to be the greatest, what you are saying is "I want to lead". Thus, by inference, you want to be a leader.

When ‘leadership’ is spoken of, what comes to mind for many of us are presidents, governors, ministers, senators, world class entrepreneurs, CEOs of companies, chiefs, queens and kings of communities, principals of schools and the likes. What too many of us fail to understand is that leadership exists at every unit of life. Wherever there is life there is one form of leadership or the other. It is what brings order and progress in society.

Take your body for example, who’s the leader of your body? Your brain right? Your eyes may be leading the way, your legs may be taking you there, but it is the brain that first decides that you go 'there'. Ever watched National Geographic or Wild Life? Do you see how animals of all forms live? Among them, even at their level, you’ll see there is always a leader - Made that way either by superior power, size or intelligence. How much more humans...

A lot of us view ‘leadership’ in the distant and fail to understand that leadership is closer than we think. Leadership starts from the inside. It sprouts from within.

There are two kinds of people: 1. People who are born with gifts or talents that effortlessly set them apart from others therefore, naturally drawing the ore of leadership to them. 2. People who have to work hard at adapting habits, learning and mastering skills of interest that over time, sharpen them for leadership. 

The difference between these two groups is the effort factor. It’s key to one group but is unforced to the other. Their similarity interestingly however, is the work factor. To the one who is gifted or talented, he has to work at further developing, authenticating and fully mastering that endowment to remain apart from the rest. To the one who desires the skill he has to work hard at learning, understanding, acquiring and then further conquering it in order to be outstanding.

Now here comes the headliner. One must first learn to lead himself before he can wish to lead in anything anywhere. For one to be able to lead himself he must complete the following processes: First take note of himself, learn of himself, understand himself, experiment on himself, experience himself, experiment on himself some more and then (begin to) master himself. 

Notice yourself. Find out how you are, your strengths, your weaknesses; what you like, what you don’t like, what’s easy for you and what isn’t so easy, what interests you and what doesn’t. 

Learn of yourself. Discover what your true nature is. What looks better on you (by this I mean your naturfal character and behaviour, thus, your over all personality), what your habits are, what your hobbies are, your tastes, the good aspects of you and the not so good parts of you. What works well with your emotional and physical system and what doesn’t go so well.

Understand yourself. Achieve this by learning to observe yourself. Pay attention to who you tend to be ALWAYS. How do you feel at certain times in certain situations? How do you respond to people and circumstances? How do you react to your living and non-living environment? In what conditions do you thrive most and what places do you find progress too slow or almost impossible? What gets the best out of you and what makes the worst of you? How do you think? How do you interpret situations and people? What kind of people are you more comfortable and fruitful with? Who understands you and who doesn’t. What inspires you and enlarges you and what stunts your growth and development? What makes you happy, excites you, and fascinates you and what doesn’t? What emotions are common to you and what emotions and feelings aren’t so common to you?

Experiment on yourself. When you find answers to the questions asked in the             ‘understand yourself’ section you can begin to experiment on yourself. You’ll find yourself doing this in no particular way and more often it won’t be a conscious thing. Do not be afraid to try new things and indulge in different activities because this helps you know what works for you and what doesn’t. You’ll be able to find out what kind of person you truly are, thereby, know what naturally makes you happy and what you are easily successful at. 

Please I appeal that you do not approach this as you would a school assignment or project. It’s not that serious!!!  Do it with a light heart. After all, discovering yourself is an interesting and self engaging activity that can never bore you because the more you look into yourself the more you will find out about you...and you will be surprised what you carry inside. There is no end to who you are.

Experience yourself. Ensure you get a feel of your own person. Mingle with people. Put yourself on trial in different environments, with different responsibilities, taste different foods, indulge in different activities and broaden your horizon. Never limit your exposure for fear of the unknown and lazy attachment to your comfort zone. Give yourself a chance at mental, academic, social, philosophical, psychological, spiritual and cultural growth. Create some alone time for yourself from time to time so you can meditate on yourself away from the distractions of the outer world. Nourish your mind, body and soul. Exercise and be happy. 

Experiencing yourself helps the process of understanding to a great degree, who you are. I urge that you do not limit yourself to the same things because you are comfortable or used to them. Build yourself by expanding yourself which can only happen if you expose yourself to new experiences that will help your IQ, mentality and psychology of life. 

Read books, all kinds of books; hard copy, online books, articles, newspapers, magazines, whatever. Just read!! There’s an information medium for every kind of person. Find yours and dig in! This opens you up to things you may not find readily available in your immediate surroundings. You learn more in less time without having to spend so much to travel. 

You get to know yourself better on the journey of meeting ideologies and life styles different from your own. It will help you better situate your place in society. It will help you know more as time passes, what you want for yourself and what you would not like to become.

After this, experiment a little more. Then...

Master yourself. Now this is the toughest part! Maybe because it demands a lot of focus and self discipline. You will need to know what you want for yourself before you can begin to invest your time and resources (financial and non-financial) in making you a better person; suitable to fit into the role of the image you have created in your mind about yourself. 

Work on your weakness with the aim of reducing them if not erasing them entirely for no one is perfect. On the reverse, sharpen your strengths. Develop them. Receive training if you must so you can be taught how to apply your strengths to the optimum level there is possible to achieve your goals and advance your status in life.

Do away with whatever keeps you from developing, growing, enhancing your gifts, talents and acquiring those skills you need to excel and draw nearer to those that will be better for you in the long run. Make sure not to indulge in activities that do not tally with the dreams you have for your future. 

Define your goals. Make them clear and keep them clear. Write down your goals and not expect that they will come to pass by vaguely carrying them in your head. Separate them into long term and short term goals. Give your goals an expiry date. Make sure your short term goals add up to make your long term goals.

Goals must be in line with your ambition and purpose in life. Place them where you can always see them to keep you in check.

This completes the whole process of mastering yourself. When you master yourself you will have control over yourself. With control, you will not only be able to lead yourself, you would have set the time bomb waiting to explode into that destiny of being the first you have always wanted; that destiny of inevitable leadership you desire.

RESPECT TIME OR ALLOW TIME DISRESPECT YOU

I met a man who was 43 at the time. Single, no kids had worked for years but with very little savings to show for it meanwhile his accommodation and numerous other bills were being paid for by the establishment he worked for, and yet he had no demanding financial responsibilities, investments or structural achievements to his name. Let us not forget “43” here…

He spent a lot of time at work…closed at 7pm everyday and frequently spent nights there. It got me curious because I understood his job description, his position and ranking at work, so to me, his seeming preoccupation with work matters was quite unnecessary. He even told me at one point that it wasn’t compulsory that staff stay till 7pm. The official closing hour was 4pm. Get where I’m going with this?

One weekend I discovered he was at the office all day, so I decided to pay him a visit. He was reading a book! Just imagine!!! Reading a book! I asked myself; couldn’t he have done this at home? He lived with a ‘ghost’ housemate for Christ’s sake!!! So he practically had all the privacy he needed most of the time. And besides, there were a hundred better places to go read a book than the office.

This was when I started to ask myself some questions. Was it the house that troubled him? Or did possible loneliness at home make him think? Anyway, two months down the line I realised he desperately wanted all the things he didn’t have – a family, to build a lovely house for them too, to become a billionaire, etc. I gradually began to understand that Ferdinand regretted having not gotten all these long ago. He was in denial, but I knew better. You can’t hide the transparent nature of ‘raw desire’. But…what was wrong? Because I knew he graduated from the university early and had gotten a promising job at 21. In other words, he started life early. I came to the conclusion that Ferdi here, had just been drifting through life.

Bear with me for sounding like a broken record but, “there is time for everything”. I must say this, my friends. The popular quality about time which we frequently remind ourselves of is that “time waits for no one”. The funny thing about this is, we are aware that time continues regardless of our ability or inability to keep up with it.

 A number of us don’t realize that time surrounds everything and plays a role in every aspect of life. Some of us make the mistake of living life as though it were independent of time. We peg activities to time frames, forgetting that in fact, the processes of such activities and their completion exist in time.

Time is what makes a ‘beginning’ feasible and it is time that gives course an ‘ending’. Time doesn’t just mark the start and finish of processes, stages, phases and activities. It also guides the completion of projects, accomplishment of tasks, viability of events and measurement of performances. It positions occurrences as well as awards priority to circumstances, events and people. Time gives scope to incidents and it gives birth to memories.   

A lot of people see time as a third generation cousin or a distant relative who sees us occasionally from afar. We overlook the fact that time can be a governing/guiding season as well as a periodic task oriented time keeper; ensuring we get the little things done that come together to form the bigger picture of destiny / future.

We think of time only as a reminder of the clock ticking and we don’t realise that even time rules the clock. While we use the short (hour) and the long (minute) hands of the clock to attach value to our dealings and border our plans and goals, we must remember that ‘age’ is time in itself: The king of all time.

It is not too much to say that you must put a start and end date to whatever plans you have. This makes your plans sizable and therefore, easier to achieve. Value of personality decreases if one has aged beyond a period for which it is expected he ought to have achieved a certain number of things. Do things at the appropriate time. Age is a good indicator of proper time…even though there are cases where people achieve greatness earlier than generally expected in life.

The youngster is known for his capacity to learn quickly and impeccable memory. But as you would guess, such sound memory and energy diminishes as he grows old. The same applies to all in all areas of life. Discover yourself early in life. Define what your goals and ambitions are early and put in effort to make sure your decisions and actions throughout take you closer to the realisation of those (long term or short term) goals and ambitions. Commit to your education from the start and graduate at once, marry when you ought to (should this be what you want); bear kids when you ought to and so on.

Work hard when it is most important, and play harder when it is called for. Have fun not just when you can but when you should. Face your fears, take bold steps, and take risks sensibly, so you can move forward in life at an acceptable pace. You should be different for the better at the end of every year. You must have improved in something (good) or acquired something more at every stage. Do the right thing at the right time to avoid having to struggle with patching things up with less desirable life choices, in order to catch up when others have gone far.

There are life experiences and circumstances that may hinder your plans from happening as quickly as you would like them, I agree. And there are also certain conditions that cause us setbacks that we have no control over. But it should not stop you from moving. Keep moving. However, do not run faster than your shadow in trying to get things done. You must create a healthy balance not just in how you live out your life but also in how you conduct yourself every step of the way.

If you don’t know how to prioritise, you will find that when you are ready to get serious, you will be forced to tango with unattractive options. Left-over’s will become the market places you patronise while you thirst for what others acquired at the appropriate times.

 In the words of John F. Kennedy, “Time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life”.

THE 'HE-SHE PUZZLE'

I remember a conversation I had with a guy while an undergraduate. It was going quite well until he said something. “If I make it big now and come for you, I’m sure your story will be different”. I just chuckled… Clearly, he missed it.

Man’s mission to discover and understand all there is to know about life, I would say, began with observations of surroundings. Paying close attention to the numerous faces of the skies, the textures of sands, temperatures of waters, the many attitudes of the sun, appearances of the stars, lighting of the moon and character of the seasons fed him with knowledge. Then, recognizing his desires, and realizing the limitations of his will, created by obstacles in his environment, man began to make do with what he had while devising means of utilising what he could find to achieve what he really wanted. Steadily, he conquered his environment. Discoveries have been documented to that effect.

To further cement such discoveries, theories have been suggested and proven. However, of all theories rationalised by man, one that continues to puzzle the mind is the ‘theory of the man and woman’. For something as old as creation, one would expect that by now, it would be a no-brainer. Man defines the world and yet still struggles to understand himself.

It seems that conquering gravity, geometry, anthropology, and all the other big words that label the complex aspects of life are easier than comprehending the emotional, mental and psychological frequencies that live inside us.

Okay, going down the score sheet;

Physical attributes? Tick!!

Common trends in behaviour? Gotten!!

Material tastes and immaterial preferences? Sorted!!

Attitudes towards each other? Hmmnh…

Actions and reactions between us? ‘Noted’ would be an appropriate answer. Then it gets twisted from here on - When the ‘whys’ from both ends of the rope begin to pile.

Seeing how the sighting of a female stirs up chemical reactions in a male that affects his concentration is funny. Or that a female’s audience to a male’s words can at times so easily retire her intelligence to the abandon of redundancy, marvels me more. ;-). It still surprises me that the woman, in all her ‘softness’ could wonderfully couple with man in all his ruggedness. It isn’t so easy explaining why ladies are so eager to be given attention. It is even harder explaining how guys, who know this, still can’t help but pay attention!

There is always an undertone of some sort of tension that exists in ‘inter-gender interaction’ that is found lacking in places where all present are of the same sex. And this tension may not necessarily be a bad one. Notice how we as women and men continue to display habits that have existed for centuries and still indicate in babies born every day. We make references as we learn about them in daily experiences with friends, family and in intimate relationships we commit to.

Trying to comprehend why they are, depending on individual experiences, often wears us out that we consciously and unconsciously become aggressive towards each other; viewing the other as an opponent. Next, we involuntarily switch to writing-off members of the opposite sex; defining them by stereotypes. Such stereotypes may possess some element of truth, but usually fail in enabling us of needed opportunities to develop further.

Believing that all a man needs is money to be able to ‘tame’ a woman is a form of the cold war I’m talking about, for it belittles her as an equally sensible human being. Thinking that every man can be manipulated by the sex ore a woman carries is also debasing men, for it ignores strength of character which quite a number have. These may be pointers, but there are many other considerations around the matter.

At times, when we don’t understand something, we react by antagonising it, instead of calming down and trying to learn. This shouldn’t be but it happens between us subconciously and it's so common place that it's like a reflex. For example, your lover does something that hurts you which you've noticed in others you've been with and then you just decide to harbour a bitter taste about women whil you treat them with a vendetta without truly seeking to understand. The same goes for women. We aren’t in the battle of wit. We aren’t in a race to determine who can do better. We aren’t here to prove which sex doesn’t need the other more, to be fulfilled. Relationships shouldn’t be a means to an end but a form of companionship where love is created and battles are fort together.

Learn to grow familiar with people you meet as individuals. Yes, you will keep encountering common features among members of the same gender so don’t expect a smooth ride…especially when the persons you read don’t have any idea why they are the way they are or know if they ought to be any different. Their individual dispositions should help u engage better with them and not support you in deciding how each person fits in to gender stereotypes. This is important because individuality means difference and this is what gives life diversity and humans, hope for a ‘new show’.

On a soft note, antagonism begets us, yet we find that we are constantly amazed by the consistent revelation that we cannot do without each other. We are kept engaged by our similarities and drawn to each other by our differences. Let questions accompany our examination of each other and not premature conclusions based on unwarranted bias. There are things guys wish we knew about them but wouldn’t dare tell us, may be for fear of being overruled. There are things we want guys to know about us, but aren’t decided on how to best get the message across. The secret to achieving understanding is in seeking to understand. Seek to understand others, that you may be understood.

If you ask me, I’d say celebrate the similarities and appreciate the differences; remembering to strike a fair balance between the two. However, don't set yourself up for a fall when you could enjoy a rise. And…enjoy the puzzling ride!!! *wink wink!

THE COMMERCIAL NATURE OF THE HUMAN MIND

I was at a supermarket one day trying to locate the items I had on my list and I noticed two pretty girls standing right across me doing the same, but ‘gisting’ (chatting) and laughing in the process. I could tell they were close friends from their body language. I overheard the slightly taller girl trying to convince the other one to accompany her to a party that was to hold in a week’s time. She was already pumped with excitement, but her friend who was 10 marks prettier, wasn’t really interested. This one kept looking for reasons not to go and focused more on what she came to buy than on what her friend was talking about.

After much push, the taller friend began talking about how nice it would be to attend the occasion with someone just as pretty as herself to give the guys a feast for their eyes. Then she said something to her friend that made me giggle because I knew what she was now trying to do…“How do you expect to forget your ex if you don’t increase your popularity”? The prettier one answered; “I don’t care”.

The taller one said “Oh but you must care. Everyone got so used to seeing you and him together everywhere. You hardly went anywhere public without each other. If you want to move on you need to re-introduce yourself to the world as ‘single’. And what better way to do it than to be seen socialising without him nearby. A party is the best place to start!” The other girl slowed her pace and her eyes lifted from her shopping list to her friends’ face. Now she was in interested. Well, at least, enough to give her friend a glance. Do you know what she said next? “Okay, okay…I’ll come then. But I will only stay for an hour then we are leaving”. An aggressive hug from the taller girl followed!!!

Did you notice the change in mindset? You see, the tall girl finally succeeded at buying her friend’s approval to go with her to a party because she had offered something that was important to her reluctant friend. She convinced her to go because she was able to show her what she would gain from it. Her friend had just had a bad break up and needed a new start - a welcome distraction. She needed something to help her move on. This would appeal to her and her friend knew it.

The decision to do or not do certain things depends on a queue of circumstances. However, of all, one that remains constant in influencing options we take is the “Me factor”. “What about me?” “What do I have to gain from this?” “How will this affect me?”

People are controlled by the possibility of benefit. It pressures the choices of some, patterns the mentality of others, and determines the actions of many more. What group do you belong?

You know, there is the tendency for the image of money to always show up in minds whenever the term ‘buy’ is mentioned. Nevertheless, that’s not what I mean in this context. It isn’t strange to say that people can be bought. Already we have understood that it isn’t the normal ‘money purchasing’ kind of buy. It just depends on what you are buying them ‘with’ or what you are being bought ‘with’.

The practice of trade has been in human blood for centuries, when trade by barter which I call “acquisition by exchange”, was the popular practice of commerce, as money didn’t exist then. Lordships in Europe and traditional Kings in Africa used such forms of barter to cement inter-regional relationships; by way of giving their daughters out in marriage to worthy personalities in appreciation for favours done. That’s a form of commerce; trade. It still exists in our century. Its presence is so silent that it has become somewhat unconscious…transiting from one aspect of relationship to the next without being noticed.

Simply put, you trade one experience for the benefit of another.

The human mind is a complex one…as complex as the realities of life that engage it. So, most definitely, we aren’t discussing “a trip to the super market, a shopping trolley in hand and a selection of items on the purchase list; then, payment for purchase over the counter”. No, we are not.

We are discussing dreams, interests, inspirations, motives and desires that instigate people to choose to do certain things or allow certain things be done to them.

You see, the mind is fascinated by what appeals to its owner. The brain is what you see. The mind is what gives the brain perspective in the same way the soul gives the body ‘life’. What you like, what you are driven by affects how you choose between options A and B. It could be money, favour, the vision of bright prospects, outsmarting others, the list is endless.

Many times we become involved in situations either because we opt to make them happen or because we allow that they happen to us; most probably since we feel there is something to gain. We condone experiences or engineer experiences hoping to profit. This describes the acquisition by exchange concept I mentioned earlier. Choosing to put in something, hoping to receive something in return can be likened to ‘trade by barter’.

Yes, it is in human nature to be selfish. That, we already know. But what we may not have considered before now is that, this may in fact be an indication of ‘the commercial nature of the human mind’.

Here are some illustrations to better explain. A lady wouldn’t date a guy if his manner of chase didn’t flatter her or if she wasn’t convinced that the potency of benefit was eminent if she accepted him. This ‘potency of benefit’ could be love, companionship or diversely, to show off to her girlfriends, materialistic acquisition or money!!!

Next, you wouldn’t patronize a corporate organization if you didn’t see how its offers would profit you greatly. Finally, you wouldn’t decide to work for people or establishments if the working conditions didn’t promise to somehow favour you.

We become predictable or even gullible when possibilities surrounding options that crowd our lives daily match our ultimate desires. We become easier to deal with by others when it appears they have what we like, what we want. Some people choose to be or remain in the company of others basically because of what they are gaining or what they hope to gain. For some it could be happiness, peace of mind; for others it could be connections, popularity, material gains, intellectual empowerment and financial growth and so on.

Isn’t this what makes advertising and public relations very effective? Consider this: the better the picture, the higher the attraction. This implies that the more beneficial the ‘concept for sale’ appears to our tastes or the more in tune it is with our different interests, motives, goals, dreams, and desires, the higher the chance of us cashing in. We ‘cash in’ in numerous ways - by giving our presence, support, money, friendship, assistance, love, participation and even effort.

Everything we do or avoid doing; the attachment we have with things and people, as well as the distance we keep from certain things and certain people are all influenced by how each of us views the possibility of our benefit in all of it.

Here is the catch: anything being proposed must be something that the mind of the reading eye or listening ear is greatly appealed by in order to make him decide in favour of it.

Now I have to stop this here and start preparing for a seminar I convinced my cousin to also attend, on the grounds that she’d meet potential clients that could invest in her business…lol. Now, isn't that a food for thought! :-)

TEACH YOUR BOY AS YOU TEACH YOUR GIRL

While the MC was cracking jokes about the bride and groom at their wedding reception where I was present, I took note of how a young woman beside me kept pulling her little daughter back to their table every time she ventured to walk away. This woman shushed her each time she wanted to scream. When she tried wriggling out of her chair, her mum spanked her a little and she began sniffing with tears not too far away. Less than 15 minutes later, a little boy ran to the table with stains on his shirt, a spoon in hand and he was screaming. And this woman giggled. When she tried reaching out, he moved away and threw the spoon in his hand at her. Hmmmnh...this little boy was her son..say, a year or two older than the girl who sat put by her mother's side, with a sad face and tears in her eyes. I started to think...

Gender perception in society is one among the numerous strong holds that tug on the strands of societal operation. It echoes within the walls of society from time to time. The concept features in all spheres of human existence (and involvement). It appears in matters of faith, it performs in the spheres of matrimony, it strolls down the halls of politics, it influences inter-gender relations and the list goes on. Gender perception, though not a material (physical) part of society, can explain to some extent, why it is that certain people think the way they do and act the way they do in relation to others of the same gender and of the opposite gender.

In child upbringing, the concept of gender perception plays a very active role. It starts with the general society and converges at the base in the family unit. Humanitarians in Nigeria always clamour for the right of the female child to good education as is effortlessly exercised with her male counterpart. We further hear in the political environment, plenty talk about getting more women not only involved in the political process but having more women represented in the House of Representatives under the Good luck Jonathan administration.

These are all commendable efforts that echo the much potent but too often overlooked relevance of women in the affairs of society. Freedom to good education is not all that there is to the headaches the girl child undergoes. There are other areas where the female child has not been well appreciated as the male child. Enormous attention is placed on the ‘should be’ character of the girl child.

The essence of home training which thrives abundantly in the African culture is to groom a child that she or he may turn out to be commendable, of respectable carriage and a reputable force to reckon with by all who come in contact with such an individual. Thus, speaking well of family roots. Another reason is so that she or he can equally pass on the same received cultural values to her children and the process goes on. So, training a child is like saving for the rainy day… Instilling virtues in a child to enable that child do the same to his child and throughout future generations.

The female child is seen as the starting point of generations. She spends more time with her children as a mother than the father who is presumed to be out working for his family, as society expects. This explains why a lot of noise is always made towards ensuring that the female child is taught how to manage a home, her husband and her children to achieve a favourable balance.

The downside to this however, too much focus is lavished on the female that her brother in plenty cases is overlooked numerously in the training process. Many a time, many mothers get it wrong. You dwell so much on impacting virtues on their daughters for them to be the perfect women for men to marry, forgetting that if a woman is good, she is good for herself, her family and many others around her. Her acceptable behaviour and good manners will attract favour and blessing as well as elevate her in life. Many fathers (not all) only contribute to this via limiting the freedom of such girls by enforcing their marginal and judgmental doctrines upon them.

Life is not all about being the perfect woman for whatever man she will marry in future. A man should not be seen as a prize; but simply appreciated as a necessary aspect of life just as his counterpart, the woman. The essence of her should not be for the satisfaction of the opposite gender but for her to know who she is and value herself. The female child is not a utility object, engaged for the sole purpose of solving problems or attending to house chores and needs of others. The empowerment that many clamour for and that many humanitarians occupy themselves with starts from the loose ends untied in the family unit.

When you fill her head with nothing other than how everything she does connects to the ‘service’ of men, and how she should begrudge other girls in competing for his attention, why then do you express confusion whenever she does not appear to exude the self confidence, independence, inner strength, and undeterred will power that ought to accord her the grace she needs to gain control of her life...? This is because all you have done is give her enough weight to draw her to the bottom of the ocean where she remains at the mercy of the opposite sex.

Train all your children alike. The only thing a wise parent need do is consider physical gender differences and not put children up to tasks that are detrimental to their well being. 
In the same way that a girl is taught how to lay her bed immediately after rising up in the morning, clear the table and take her plate to the kitchen after eating, flush the toilet and wash her hands right after, keep her environment clean, cook good meals, wash her clothes, dining table etiquette, etc is the same way a boy should be taught.

Let us not overburden our daughters with responsibilities that are founded on marginalizing philosophies of life while allowing our boys to go unconsidered. As you teach your daughters to be decent individuals, imbibe and emphasize such values in your sons as well. There is no point preparing the best women for below standard men out there. What then will be the essence of all the effort? Who then, will teach our boys how to play positive and effective roles as husbands and fathers? Who then will teach them how to be good team players in marriage? It does not stop at providing shelter and food.

Let us ask ourselves, what about the women that such boys will grow up to marry? 
No matter the point from where you push it, all sides of the circle will always come round to meet you. Think about the ladies who such boys will be socializing with. If they are not from the start, exposed to an orientation that expects them also to value women, how else will they be able to reciprocate the values you put in your girls while growing up? Then, when challenges arise, she receives advice that she persevere in silence and misery, believing that it is expected of him by call of nature, when this could have been avoided from the start. This is about human feeling and not cultural role play.

How do you expect her to be happy when you invested your all in preparing her for a fall? You want her to be impeccable for her future man. How about the attitude and behaviour of a man towards his future woman? He will lack the manners you taught your girl, he will lack the discipline you exhausted energy imbibing in your girl, he will lack the respect and empathy you nurtured in your girl, he will value only himself and most definitely, he will neglect the rules you taught your girl to uphold in partnership. Your purpose has terribly been defeated. 

Good men don’t just fall from the sky; they come from homes and were once our boys.

Raise up good girls and good boys alike. In that way, society stands a better chance at being a better place for all.